Sonic vs IGN
by Plasmatroopa
Summary: For KoopalingFan's Other than Romance contest. After stumbling upon a review site mocking some of his recent games, Sonic gathers/kidnaps all the reaccurring Modern characters to do something they will kindly oblige to: read it and rage at it! Warning: Crackfic. T for language. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Hey, you, get in those quotation marks and make it snappy!
1. The Beginning of Insanity

**Hey guys! This is for KoopalingFan's Other than Romace contest! Just a fair warning here: the characters in here WILL be OOC, so if you don't like that, don't read it. Another thing, I have nothing against IGN, I just wanted to make a story about this after seeing how people thought they unfairly treated Sonic**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sonic the Hedgehog or IGN. They belong to SEGA and well...IGN respectively.**

* * *

One cold, horrible day, Sonic the Hedgehog was sitting inside his mansion **(1) **playing Shadow the Hedgehog, always trying to throw Shadow off the edge of the stage and kill him, all while laughing maniacly, enjoying the pain he was causing to the black hedgehog (being too dumb to realise it was just a model of him) after the last few weeks…

**Flashback! (Shadow: (rides in on the words, kicks Sonic in the face) SUCKER! Sonic: WITCH!)**

_Sonic Manor_

Sonic was simply walking into the kitchen, when he had hot fudge poured on him, his eyes only just catching the culprit.

"SHADOW!"

Said hedgehog just laughed and used Chaos Boost to break down the door and escape, sending it flying away at light speed

…...

_Forest Falls_ **(3)**

Sonic was in a battle with Dr Eggman and his new Egg Chocolate Bar, dodging all of Eggman's attacks with grace and swagger.

…weeell, that was until Shadow teleported right behind him and used Chaos Rift **(2)**, sending Sonic through a rift to Cyberspace

"SHADOW!"

Said hedgehog then waved his finger in Sonic's face and proceeded to blow up Eggman's mech.

…...

_Station Square_

Sonic blinked, only to find his eyes glued shut. He didn't even need to guess who did it.

"SHADOW!"

He then ran forward blindly, hoping to hit Shadow, but he was going in the entire wrong direction and collided with a passing Knuckles.

Shadow proceeded to pull out some popcorn and watch Knuckles beat the crap out of Sonic, cheering everytime Sonic got hurt…then he got an idea.

"Step right up and watch Knuckles beat the living crap outta Sonic! Only 20 rings each!"

Everyone came to watch, including Tails and Amy, as well as Mario and his friends who randomly decided to come. In the end of it, Sonic had 20 broken bones and Shadow left 900 rings richer.

**Flashback ends! (Shadow: (comes back, kicks Sonic in the face again) HAHA! Sonic: I HATE YOU!)**

Sonic grumbled at those memories, glad that the author was lazy, or he'd need serious medical care. Heck, he didn't even know what happened to his door!

**200 years later**

Silver the Hedgehog was innocently walking down the street, having recently turned Eggman Nega into a card and put him in the paper shredder, when suddenly, a strange object smashed into him at the speed of light, hitting with so much force he destroyed the fabric of space when it sent him flying "", destroying at least a quarter of the planet and leaving the SEGA universe. He was so fast that his pained scream couldn't keep up with the quotation marks, and is still trying to find them.

Back on the ground, a door stood there, finally having stopped after two centuries.

Back in the present

Sonic continued playing the game (and killing Shadow on it) until a random lightning bolt came through the roof and zapped the console, blowing it up but leaving the game perfectly intact for some reason.

"DAMN IT!" Sonic cursed, running over to his computer to start up an emulator, not knowing Eggman had decided to torture him and unloaded around 50 viruses onto that program, so he turned it on, and went to click the ROM for Shadow the Hedgehog that Shadow had forc-I mean, _insisted _he bought.

Then, some sort of orange/silver blur came crashing through the window and flew over the keyboard, before continuing through the wall, making a grand hole in it. Sonic didn't care about the damage, knowing the author's lazyness would make sure that got fixed, it was the fact that the computer had opened the internet instead of the emulator, and had now Googled some gibberish like "ign" or something.

To the hog's surprise, there was actually a website called "IGN". Apparently, it was some site on game reviews or something those lines. But he didn't care about that, he just decided to be his narcisstic self and search up "Sonic"…

…and he definetly didn't like what he saw. The first few were good scorers, but then he saw things like 4.5, 5, and 3! Due to his egotistical nature, he was not pleased.

After 5 minutes of thinking, he decided to actually look at the reviews, and give them shit….

…a second later he remembered he can't read, and cursed.

He needed people who could read, people who could share his rage, people who he could yell at and brag to about having a bigger role in the series than them…

_5 minutes later…_

Sonic had gathered all the people he needed…which was basically the Sonic Heroes/Riders cast, Silver, Vanilla, and Blaze.

Of course none of them were actually paying attention to him, they were doing they're own things. Tails was hiding behind the couch in case the author got bored and decided to kill him, Amy was drooling over him, Knuckles was screaming "OH NOES! DA MASTER EMERALD!", Cream was playing with Cheese and her mother, Big was being stupid, Shadow was no where in sight (he was actually sneaking up behind him with a gun), Rouge was sitting on a sack with the Master Emerald in it, Omega was firing all his weapons at Eggman, Orbot and Cubot, Vector was trying to kill Charmy while Espio insulted him, Wave and Storm keeping Jet from speaking with his annoying voice, Blaze was being serious for some reason, Silver was muttering something about being flung across the realm of fiction, Eggman and his cronies were running from Omega, and Metal Sonic was laughing at them.

Sonic then pulled out a megaphone just as Shadow fired his bullet, just missing him by an inch. The Ultimate Lifeform swore, as Sonic yelled.

"HEY!"

Everyone then turned to Sonic with weapons drawn (except Knuckles, who was cracking his…knuckles).

"…uh…well, I've got a lot of preasure on me here…heh heh…so anywa-"

"JUST TELL US WHY WE'RE HERE BEFORE WE KILL YOU!" Metal Sonic yelled, having been granted the ability to speak by the lay author who was too lazy to write his mechanical sound crap.

"As I was SAYING-" Sonic glared at Metal, who really didn't care "-I've found this stupid review website that talks crap about our games!" a gasp escaped the audience, most of them shocked "…well, some of them anyway" they all relaxed after that.

"Then why should we care?" Shadow asked, raising an eyebrow

"You know, they rated your game 4.7 Sha-"

"GIMME THAT COMPUTER!" Shadow rushed forward at light speed, throwing Sonic into a wall and grasping the computer "IF ANYONE DOESN'T GO ALONG WITH THIS I'LL CHAOS BLAST YOU TO HELL!"

Everyone rushed to the door, but Shadow used Chaos Control to stop time, lock the door, Chaos Spear the key, then unfreeze time. He also bordered up the windows with solid everything-proof iron that he bought from the local convinience store, so that wasn't an option either, leaving them with no option but to stay in the building with him.

"Okay, we'll read the stupid reviews!" Tails surrendered walking up to the computer and typing in the first name, as Shadow announced:

"Onward, to SONIC UN-THIS IS A RETARDED NAME FOR A GAME-LEASHED!"

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

You're late, try again next chapter.

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**1) Sonic living in a mansion is just my headcanon because I wanted to make sure Sonic owns the house. Why, you'll see soon.**

**2) If you don't know, Chaos Rift is one of Shadow's attacks from Sonic Chronicles.**

**3) Since it's not a very well known game, I'll just point out that Forest Falls comes from Sonic Rivals if you haven't heard of it.**

**This is Plasmatroopa, logging out.**


	2. Sonic Unleashed: Sonic's a plain Idiot

**Hey guys! I've finished the second chapter! This was going to be posted yesterday but homework took up a lot of time and...yeah. Oh well. Anyways, here's the second chapter of Sonic vs IGN!**

**Just so you know, the version of Sonic Unleashed is the PS3/Xbox 360 version, because they rated the Wii/PS2 version as "Good". Also, just so you know before I attract flamers, I actually do enjoy most of these games, this is just what the package says: Satire.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Sonic the Hedgehog characters, they belong to SEGA. I also don't own IGN or the review seen in this chapter, they belong to IGN. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

"WHAT'S WITH THIS RETARDED INTERNET!?"

It had been a few hours since Tails had searched up Sonic Unleashed, but due to Sonic's incredibly slow internet, it was taking forever for it to load. Needless to say, everyone was getting bored, and Shadow was trying his best not to just Chaos Blast everyone right there and then, but then he might destroy the guns he left under the couch. Sure, there was SEGA logic, but he didn't want to risk it.

He was then trampled by Vector, who chasing Charmy trying to kill him "RAAAAAAH CHARMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH H"….yeah.

…now that I think about it, I'm getting bored two. Time to kill Tails!

"AW CRA-" Tails was cut off after he was crushed by an anvil, blasted with lasers, and knocked out by that wrench thing in Ratchet & Clank. Hopefully forever…

Ah, much better.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

This is before Silver starts speaking, idiot.

Anyways, back to the plot/random crap.

Omega had his laser cannon right at Eggman's face, Orbot and Cubot reduced to scraps. Just as he was about to fire, fuffiling his lifelong goal…

"Hey, the page loaded!" announced Orbot, who sprang back to life perfectly undamaged, his square based partner following.

"0H y34h!1!11!" yelled Cubot, who's voice chip was stuck on l33t **(1)**.

This distracted Omega long enough for Eggman to escape him, jumping into the Egg Mobile and floating away.

"DAMN IT." Omega computed, before giving up and turning to Orbot, who was now at the computer arguing with Cubot.

"Why k4'N7 1 r34d 73H r3V13w-7H1N9y?"

"Because we don't want to put up with your voice chip, so shut up" Orbot dissed, and began reading the review.

**If there's one console that I'm more emotionally attached to than any other, it's my ****SEGA****Genesis. The minute I got my Genesis at a garage sale, my other systems started collecting dust. And if there was one game I played more than any other, it was Sonic the Hedgehog. Seeing what's become of the Sonic franchise is kind of like running into an old high school friend only to discover he dropped out of Harvard despite having a full scholarship, scared off his one true love with his jealous rantings, and became a heroin fiend more pitiable than likeable. Yes, it's like running into Dave Clayman in the IGN parking garage.**

"…weird intro" said Orbot, as everybody else's eye twitched, and Shadow laughed.

**I'm going to do you a great favor and save you some time and money. Don't buy ****Sonic Unleashed****. There, you can stop reading and spend your $60 on something more worthwhile. Like 60 tacos. But if you really just have to know more about the train wreck that is ****Sonic Unleashed****, then I suppose we must go on.**

"Idiots. I am SO worthwhile" Sonic gloated, obviously not being worthwhile.

"I dunno, 60 tacos DOES sound tempting…" Knuckles said, now regretting buying the game when he could have bought so many tacos, and he wasn't even in it.

"Shut it Knucklehead!" Amy then bashed him with her hammer.

Meanwhile, Eggman was considering building the Egg Sonic Unleashed just to remind Sonic of this.

**Sonic Unleashed is divided rather evenly into three parts: Daytime, nighttime, and adventure. Think of Sonic Unleashed like a mixed drink. The daytime levels are like good vodka. On its own, a refreshing beverage. Add Kahlua and milk and you have the Dude's favorite drink. The nighttime and adventure sections, however, are no Kahlua and milk. It's more like adding dirt and soy sauce. Even with a lemon twist, that's just not a drink anyone is going to order.**

"…you're comparing me to ALCOHOL? This is outrageous!"

Everyone promptly facepalmed, except Tails who was still unconcious.

**The daytime levels are fast-paced on-rails sections focused on speed. This is what a new generation Sonic should be like. Oh, it's not perfect, but it's the building block for the future of the franchise. The daytime levels with Sonic have only the rarest of framerate drops and are consistently enjoyable. You can actually go so fast that it's hard to comprehend what's even happening before you slam into a wall of spikes, but I can live with the trial-and-error aspects of this design. The biggest issue with the daytime levels is that the jump button is not as responsive as it should be. With a game moving this quickly, you need to have jumps initiate the moment you put pressure on the button. But Sonic is often so slow to jump, you have to go a second earlier than you would normally.**

"Now they're contradicting themselves! And…too slow? I'LL SLOW THEM TOO SLOW!"

"Sonic, you idiot! They're saying they like THAT part of the game, not he rest of it!" Shadow yelled.

"Plus, they're saying it's the jump button, not you that's too slow" Tails continued, having finally woken up and Sonic blew a fuse.

"TAILS! You're supposed to be on MY SIDE OF THE ARGUMENT!"

"This fanfic is satire, I don't have to be in character" the fox pointed out, smirking.

"….just carry on Orbot"

**It's in the daytime where Sonic Unleashed unloads all its creative juices. There are some really fun sequences across the various levels. You'll run on top of whales, slide down the spines of dragons and bobsled through icy canyons. Sure, there are going to be a few moments that require such precise movements that you may get temporarily frustrated, but still the daytime sections are the best Sonic has been in many years.**

"Well…at least they like that part of the game" Cream attempted to support.

"Oh yeah...yes…this is the part BEFORE they start bashing it! YEAH!" Sonic then jumped through the roof into space, holding his fist in the air and smiling.

"Get off outta space so we can't see you ugly!" the Wisps yelled, shaking their stubby arm things at him. But since it was in wisp, he couldn't hear them.

**Unfortunately, that's just one third of the game. The other two-thirds are absolute and complete abominations - the kind of gaming most often made by two half-drunk 40-somethings from a former Soviet bloc country and found in a PC bargain bin.**

"Aaaaand here's where they start bashing" Sonic then fell down to earth and broke his legs "ACK! I THOUGHT THERE WAS SEGA LOGIC!" well, there is, but I decided to take it away for a minute to see you SUFFER, sucker.

"YOU BAST-OOOOOOOOW!" he was then hit by an anvil, crushing his arm and narrowly missing his nose because the gameplay shifted to 2D.

_Rule No. 1 of being in a fanfiction: Don't badmouth the author._

Eggman, Metal Sonic, Knuckles and Shadow were buisy discussing sharing the money they got after putting it on Youtube.

**By day, Sonic is all about speed (and some light platforming elements). By night, the speed is sucked away and Sonic becomes nothing but a mindless brawler. The Werehog is forced to smack around the same repetitive cadre of villains across levels that last upwards of 30 torturous minutes. Mixed into this are numerous bad platforming sections. Here's a tip. If you are going to have platforming in a game where one missed jump means instant death, then make sure you put some sort of proper shadowing that indicates where your character is going to land. That's platforming 101. You have to know where the hell your airborne character is in relation to ground.**

"….uh…..this sucks!" Sonic said, not being able to come up with anything to counter it.

"Shut it, brokey" Shadow dissed.

"BROKEY?!"

"Well yeah, your legs are broken, your arms are broken, your nose is broken. I'd say your pretty much broken" the black hedgehog elaborated, his smirk so big it's impossible to make it bigger.

"Only one arm! And my nose is NOT broken!"

"_Knuckles…_" I stand corrected, it got twice as big.

"With pleasure" Knuckles smirked, cracking his knuckles.

"….oh cra-"

Two seconds later

"There, Brokey" Shadow smirked again, as Sonic was now completely broken except his neck so he could continue to be tormented.

"Oh shut up!"

"This was a long interval…" Orbot randomly said.

"i C0mPL3T3lY 4Gr33" agreed Cubot.

**Adding to the muddled nighttime design is the bizarre power the Werehog has gained. He can stretch his arms like Mr. Fantastic. Why? Great question. It doesn't really matter the answer (there isn't any that wouldn't encourage your brain to separate from your skull). All that matters is that it's a dumb gimmick that more or less throws egg on the face of longtime Sonic fans.**

"Hmm" Shadow began "hey Knuckles, maybe we should go back in time and make sure he can't stretch his arms in that game…"

"Excellent idea!" Knuckles agreed, his smile so big the universe couldn't compete if it turned into a smile.

"No, pleas-AAAACK!" Sonic attempted to beg, but was in pain the moment he tried to move his arms.

**The nighttime sections are poorly designed, boring and frustrating. But worst of all, they have nothing to do with Sonic whatsoever. Nothing. If you saw a demo of the Werehog without knowing the name of the game, I doubt you'd guess it was actually Sonic the Hedgehog trapped in this misery. I can understand that it's just not feasible to create a 6-8 hour on-rails Sonic experience with him moving at the speed of sound, but that doesn't excuse this dreck being slapped on. The werehog is one of the worst times I've had with any game this year. Wasn't it around the time Old Yeller turned into a werehog that someone had to finally put him out of his misery?**

"…okay, I DO admit I hated being the Werehog…" Sonic admitted.

"And now you're agreeing with them, you really are an idiot" Shadow taunted, his smirk still as big as the dimension.

"SHUT UP SHADOW!"

**The last third of the puzzle are the adventure sections. These are perhaps the most disappointing, since they often keep you from actually playing the core game. In each of the different continents (which you are trying to glue back together after Dr. Robotnik split them apart) you'll wander the streets talking to citizens for no good reason other than to bolster the amount of hours played. You must search these areas for hidden tokens, used to unlock the day and night stages. There's nothing of value in these sections. It's just a time waster. And waste time it will as this really does eat up a good chunk of gameplay.**

"Hey, those weren't too bad!"

"You're just saying that because you could talk to people, Amy scares everyone else away" Espio joined the conversation/annoying Sonic.

"STAY OUT OF THIS CONVERSATION" Sonic yelled

"But it's what you brought me here for" the chameleon raised his eyebrow.

"…"

**I suppose it's not fair to blame all of the problems with the other two-thirds of****Sonic Unleashed ****on ****Sonic Team****. After all, it's Dr. Robotnik who irradiated the hedgehog transforming him into a shape-shifting nightmare. What could Sonic Team do but follow up on Dr. Robotnik's actions? It's not like they control the game's story or anything. Yeah, let's blame Dr. Robotnik. Boooo.**

Eggmam's eye twitched

**THE VERDICT**

**Sonic Team couldn't leave well enough alone and just accept a three-hour game with some decent replay value. Instead, they tossed in one of the dumbest "twists" in the history of gaming. A werehog? Really? Stretchy arms? Did anyone actually believe this was going to be fun? Gone are any elements of speed, replaced with mindless and poorly designed brawling segments with some terrible platforming sections.**

**Sonic Unleashed ****has made me bipolar. In the daytime, I'm happy – almost too happy. And at night I become angry and irritable, frustrated and impossible to be around.**

**Sonic deserves better. More importantly, gamers deserve better.**

"Hey! I am SO more important than gamers!"

"No you're not" Shadow deadpanned.

"How so?"

"For one, they actually exist"

"Oh shut up faker, you don't exist either!"

"I know, but since people actually like me, I'm fine with that"

"I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"

"The feeling is mutual"

"GRRRRRRR!"

**IGN Ratings for Sonic Unleashed (PS3)**

Orbot skipped down to the overall rating.

**4.5 Bad**

**Overall**

"…but…they praised the first par-"

"Yeah but that's overcome by the amount of crap in there" Silver interrupted.

"GRRRRR! SILVER!"

"What? This is the first time I talked this chapter"

"…" Sonic banged his head on the floor "when will this nightmare end?"

"Whenever the author finishes it" Blaze said seriously for some reason.

"But…the author's lazy…"

"And now you know why I'm being serious" Oh come on, I'm not that bad!

"Then why haven't you updated your other stories?" Espio asked.

Because I'm focusing on this right now!

"You were barely updating before the contest started"

…..

"Pwned"

Oh shut up! Are you forgetting who you're talking to? I'm the author here, I can make your life a living hell!

"You might wanna back down now Espio, he could turn you into Sonic!" Knuckles called

"He-ACK!" Sonic tried to object, but it hurt to try and move.

"Or Tails!"

"Hu-OW!" Tails was hit by a missile, but I kept him alive to kill later.

"Or Big!"

"….whaaa….?" Big didn't even know what was going on here.

"Dangit" Knuckles grumbled as he passed 10 rings to a smug Metal Sonic.

"Wait…what's going o-"

"Nevermind!" Metal decided not to carry on further "...so, what are we looking at next?"

"Well..." Orbot began "I did find Sonic 0-"

"OH HELL NO!" Everyone in the building yelled at once.

"OKAY OKAY!" he panicked, wondering why he even suggested that in the first place "uhhh, well...Sonic Shuffle had a low score, maybe we could go with that...?"

"Anything!" Sonic yelled "anything but THAT ABOMINATION!"

* * *

**Well, that's the second chapter done! I actually expected this to be a lot longer, but then again, I don't want to risk getting disqualified for the word limit.**

**1) I know Cubot's voice chip was fixed near the end of Sonic Colours, but I feel it's part of his character in the game and one of the reasons I found it so funny. So, let's just say when he returned to Mobius (I know it's called Earth in the games, but I don't like to refer to video game worlds as "Earth") after his stay in space, the collision when he fell broke it again.**

**Also, school starts again for me tommorow, so updates are going to be less frequent now, so I'll probably be updating around once a week or so.**

**This is Plasmatroopa, logging out.**


	3. Sonic Shuffle: Handing out the Plot!

**Hey guys, been a while, hasn't it! Well, not that long, but you know what I mean. But anyway, welcome back to another chapter of Sonic vs IGN! Since the review is pretty short this time, I decided to introduce something that was going to come in eventually: a plot (gasps are heard) Yes, this story has an actual plot! Even if it does suck!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Sonic Cast, they belong to SEGA. I also don't own the review in this chapter or IGN, they belong to IGN. And finally, I do not own any of the weapons mentioned in this chapter, they belong Sony, Capcom, and Nintendo**

* * *

"FIND THE COMPUTER ROOM!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Again, due to Sonic's atrociously slow internet connection, people were getting bored. Shadow had decided he had enough of these crappy loading times, went upstairs, and went to Sonic's game room, Knuckles and Metal Sonic tagging along; Amy was chasing Sonic around; Silver was spamming SEGA's email, threatening to do so until they made him his own game; Tails was running from floating weapons that I had commanded to annihilate him; Omega was at the door receiving the filming equipment for his upcoming show "Eggman Killing 101"-hey, that sounds interesting! Let's look at tha-what? I have to focus this fic on IGN reviews? BLASPHEMY! Oh fine, I'll just make it a separate fic because it sounds that awesome. Anyways, Blaze was being serious (again); Cream…no one knows where she went, actually. Vanilla was trying to find Cream; Big was looking for Froggy; Rouge was calling a truck to take the Master Emerald to wherever she lives; Espio was invisible; trying to find Charmy to get him to make one of those teleporting flower things from Sonic Heroes to get them out of there, said bee was….no one knows where he was either. Jet was trying to get the duct tape off his beak; Wave was watching Tails get hurt with a smile; Storm was…being Storm (I never played Sonic Riders, okay?), and finally, Eggman and his robots were making plans for the Egg IGN.

"Hey, the computers loaded!" yelled Silver, pointiAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!ng at said machine.

Tough luck, buddy. Try again next chapter.

"So, who's gonna read it?" asked Rouge, who was still on the phone "no, I'm not talking to you idiot! Just get that truck over here!"

"Uhhh….Tails?" asked Sonic

"Kinda busy here!" he called, ducking under a blast from a Concussion Gun. Stand still dammit!

"…Omega?"

"IF YOU WOULD EXCUSE ME, I'M WHAT YOU MEATBAGS WOULD SAY "DOING SOMETHING"." The robot was currently reading a manual on how to assimilate all the filming equipment into his body for further use.

"…Cream?"

"I can't find her!" Vanilla panicked.

"Oh, that's too bad…Silver?"

"No, not until SEGA finally gives me my own game!" Silver announced, sending more spam to SEGA.

"Good luck…Eggman?"

"Shut up! I'm trying to create a machine that will definetly cause your demise!" Eggman yelled, as Orbot and Cubot were hammering away.

"That's nice…Wave?"

"I'm watching Tails suffer"

"Not good enough, get in that chair and start reading!"

"But…why can't you read it?"

"BECAUSE HE CAN'T READ!" Shadow yelled from the game room.

"SHUT UP SHADOW!" Sonic angrily retorted, shaking his fist stupidly.

"MAKE ME!"

"FINE!" Sonic raced upstairs….two seconds later he was thrown down, batterred, burned, and with lots of holes in him (no blood, though, it was all dried up)

"…fine, I'll read this crap just to carry the plot along" Wave muttered, walking over to the computer and ignoring the fact I haven't started the real plot yet, that would begin later this chapter.

**I hate to state it, but it's true that mockery is the finest form of flattery. With the success of **_**Mario Party **_**on the N64, the idea of a video board game suddenly becomes a hot idea that every console must have. PlayStation has **_**Crash Bash**_**, and now, the Dreamcast has **_**Sonic Shuffle**_**. Using the cell-shading technique that enchanted **_**Jet Grind Radio**_**, **_**Sonic Shuffle **_**certainly looks lovely, but how does it play? ****Why don't I share a few comments of my esteemed co-workers as we played a four-player game earlier today:**

"It must play awesome because it's my game!" Sonic declared stupidly.

"Shut up Sonic!" Tails yelled, jumping over a charge shot from the Mega Buster and narrowly avoiding a whack from the Triple Star cane.

**"(laughing out loud) I can't believe the load times in this game." ¿ Dave Smith**

**"Is this game supposed to be fun? What just happened? Huh?" ¿ Dave Zdyrko.**

**"AHHH! AHHH! Turn it off! I won't believe it! A Sonic game has to be good! GAH!" ¿ Brandon Justice**

"…WITCHES!"

"THE ONLY ONE HERE IS YOU!" Knuckles yelled from upstairs.

**Yes, dear readers...**_**Sonic Shuffle**_**, with its lovely visuals and stylized look, is one of the most boring Dreamcast games I've played. Everything that can make a board game less enjoyable is done here... and I'm talking about load times up the wazoo, complex instructions, and too many options that will bewilder most players, especially during a multiplayer game.**

"…well…uh…"

"Let me guess, this sucks" Espio mocked, turning visible again.

"Yeah!"

Everyone promptly facepalmed.

**Right about now, I bet most of you are preparing the flame mails of justice... how could a Dreamcast game featuring Sonic and company, be bad? Hey, it surprised the hell out of me too and with a game this good-looking it's hard to believe the gameplay is poor. The visuals in **_**Sonic Shuffle **_**are top notch; the game board is filled with dazzling colors, wonderful textures, and delightful character. As said above, the characters are styled with the cell shading technique, giving Sonic and cast a very cartoony appearance. It's very pleasant on the eyes, and the characters all animate very smoothly. The music is upbeat and voices, while a bit annoying, certainly add a lot of spunk to the characters. Overall, the game is very, very nice to look at.**

"YES! THE PART BEFORE THEY START BASHING IT AGAIN!" Sonic leapt into space again, the Wisps putting on sunglasses so they wouldn't have to look at him.

**Of course, appearances are very deceiving, and the first flaw you'll run into isn't even part of the actual gameplay. The load times in this game are unforgivable. Granted, **_**Mario Party **_**had the luxury of being on a cartridge so it had little to no load times. I don't expect **_**Sonic Shuffle **_**to have absolutely no load time, but every time characters land on special tiles for mini-games, battles, duels, and other events, the game takes a while to load. Then, after the specified event, it takes a long time to load the board again. Imagine playing Monopoly where each player takes a full minute to prepare his turn and pass his turn to the next player.**

"Aaaaand now they're bashing" he then fell again, grabbing onto the stairs so he wouldn't break his legs…until he was hit by multiple bullets and fell anyway.

"HA HA!"

"I HATE YOU SHADOW!"

"THE FEELING IS MUTUAL!"

**Then comes the actual gameplay, and **_**Sonic Shuffle **_**plays very similar to **_**Mario Party **_**with some minor differences. Instead of a random dice roll, each character has a hand of cards with a number on them. Choosing a card determines how many tiles you can move across the board. You can also choose another player's card, though you will have no idea what the value of the player's card will be. Once all players have used all their cards, the deck is reshuffled and another hand is dealt. This is fine and dandy, but when it comes to moving, there are some issues. First off, while there are special tiles for mini-games and mini-events, the majority of the tiles are blue (adding 3 rings to your character) or red tiles (subtracting three rings). Thus, you never really get to play many mini-games with the other players. This is one major flaw; in **_**Mario Party**_**, it was all about playing all sorts of neat mini-games against other players. Decreasing the amount of mini-games was a bad move for **_**Sonic Shuffle**_**. And when you finally get into a mini-game, most of them are pretty complex and you actually have to read through the instructions. Mini-games should be simple enough where you can just jump in and you have a good idea of what's going on. In addition, most of the mini-games are featured via four-way split screen, instead of having a large field of view. While I can appreciate having large fields for mini-games, it's difficult to see anything within the small viewing screen.**

"Aw, screw minigames, what did they ever do?"

"Uh, Sonic…" Mario began "minigames are the main reason people play these kinda games, otherwise, they'd play a real board game"

"Oh shut up Mario, what are you doing here anyway? You're not a Sonic character!" Sonic yelled in anger

"Huh? Oh, right" he then poofed into thin air

**The goal in the game is to get the Precioustones scattered across the board. The Precioustone is a powerful gem filled with the dreams of being across the galaxy. I wish could get one of these Precioustones and use it to give **_**Sonic Shuffle **_**a complete redesign. Don't let the brilliant visuals sway you. Anyone who gets **_**Sonic Shuffle **_**will pull their hair out in agonizing frustration... or have their hair pulled out by the friends playing this game.**

"Hmph! No respect for me whatsoever!"

"Idiot…" Espio facepalmed

**IGN RATINGS FOR SONIC SHUFFLE (DC)**

Wave skipped down to the final rating.

4.2 Bad

Overall

"Hmph! You shut up! I'll rip off Mario Party any way I want!"

"Uh, Sonic…" Tails began "do you even remember doing this game? Because I was never told about it and I don't recall going on this "adventure""

"I don't either, really" Amy agreed.

"…you know what, I really don't"

Everyone in the room promptly facepalmed.

"So, what shall we do next?" Espio asked, clearly wanting to just find Charmy, abandon Vector, and get the hell out of the place.

"Well..." Orbot began "there's always Sonic 0-"

"NO!" the world yelled, as Cubot attacked him.

"What da hell is wrong with yo, bro?!" he scolded, his voice chip now stuck on "Generic cool guy from some movie".

"Well..." Eggman cracked a grin as he thought of more ways he could torture Sonic with this "how about Sonic & the Black Knight?"

"Then it's settled!" Sonic announced "TO SONIC AND THE STUPID KNIGHT!"

* * *

**Meanwhile…**

"So, it seems like they've finished reading the review for their Mario Party ripoff" Shadow stated

"Ah, that game sucked anyways, I don't even remember doing that game" Knuckles scoffed.

"…uh…that's because you didn't…I did" Metal Sonic admitted

"What?" the other two whipped their heads around.

"How did you do that?" Shadow asked, surprised

"Well…"

**Flashback!**

"Hmm, this form is pretty badass" Neo Metal Sonic stated in the SEGA HQ, admiring his new look and powers.

"Yep, and it's all yours for whenever we make Sonic Heroes!" a SEGA employee said behind him, walking up to the robot.

"This seems like something that Nintendo would make…" Neo Metal mused

"Oh, please, it's not like we're gonna go out of the console buisness and have to put it on a Nintendo console, especially not that thing they're making called the Gamecube!" the word "Foreshadowing" appeared when the employee said this.

"True, true…so, what's the catch?"

"Oh, well, you see" the employee began "since Mario Party was so successful, we want you to transform into a ripoff of it that tons of people will buy, and then the form is yours!"

"Oh, that'll be easy, watch this!" He then melted down into a grey puddle, which came together to form a disc, the disc of Sonic Shuffle.

"Well, that was easy, now to the disc copying machine…"

**Flashback end!**

"WHAT?! YOU were Sonic Shuffle?!" Shadow asked, in surprise.

"Well yeah, sort of…" Metal "scratched" his head.

"That's weird man!" Knuckles exclaimed, throwing his PS2 controller into the air, which Metal then caught.

"Hmph, y'know, Sonic really does have a lot of video game stuff in here…" the robot stated.

"Yeah, I really need some of this at Angel Island…" Knuckles said, the echidna rubbing his chin.

"Hey, what do you think of, y'know, _borrowing _some of this…" Shadow's mouth formed an evil smile, and the Sonic doppleganger and Master Emerald guardian quickly caught on.

"Ahhh, but how are we going to get this outta here, y'know, unnoticed?" Knuckles asked, as Shadow's smile grew even bigger.

"Let me, _explain_, to you" and Shadow talked them through his master plan.

* * *

**And there's my crappy excuse for a plot! If you're wondering why I did this, it just became obvious that if I were to keep doing the same thing each chapter, then it would get boring eventually and no one would want to read it. And no author likes that.**

**Well see you next time! Also, there's a little bug here so it's not showing the chapter select bar, nothing else! Yep, there's definitely not a short spoiler for the next chapter down there! Nope, nothing at all!**

**This is Plasmatroopa, logging out.**

* * *

"What are we doing in here again?" Charmy asked, floating in the air and clearly bored.

"The author asked me to take you here for plot-related reasons" Cream answered.

"This story has a _plot_?"

"Apparently"

They were in the library that Sonic randomly had despite the fact he can't read. Apparently he was trying to learn, even though he was clearly too stupid.

"This better not turn into a CharmyXCream sidestory…" the bee muttered, hating romance mainly due to just being six.

"Relax, the authors not a fan of it" the rabbit assured, sitting down on the pool table that was there because Sonic didn't know how to set up a library.

"Thank whatever we have for a god" the bee then blinked "did you feel something?"

"…uh…I'm kinda feeling tired…" Cream then fell to the floor, a tranquiliser dart in her back.

"Huh? What the-" a few seconds later, he fell down too, at least 15 darts in his back.

Afterwards, Shadow stepped out of the…well…shadows, gun in hand. On the other side of the room, another Shadow did the same thing, also with a gun in hand.

"Damn, that took up all my darts" cursed the first Shadow.

"Meh, who cares at least we did it" the second Shadow paused "why are there two doors here anyway"

"Simple: Sonic's an idiot"

"Oh yeah…oh well, back to buisness" the second Shadow turned grey, changing shape and morphing into a familiar blue robot _"Heh heh heh…"_


	4. Sonic & Black Knight: Pizza and Plans!

**Hey guys! Me again! Sorry this took so long, but schools been a pain recently and I haven't found time to do it. Fortunately, I had today off because I was sick, so I was able to finish the chapter. So here ya go, here's chapter 4 of Sonic vs IGN!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sonic the Hedgehog, that belongs to SEGA. I also don't own IGN or the review present in this chapter, they belong to IGN**

* * *

"ATTENTION KNIGHTS OF THE PIZZA TABLE!"

"WE AREN'T KNIGHTS IDIOT!"

Yep, it was back in the Sonic Manor, and it's current residents, still waiting for the computer to load, decided to not go hungry and have some pizza. Sonic, since they were going to read the review of Sonic and the Black Knight, decided to dub them "The Knights of the Pizza Table", and Espio immediately objected.

"Oh, whatever, the computers loaded!" the hedgehog announced, taking a bite out of his pizza and pointing at the computer, as everyone got up from eating their pizza (except Vanilla, who was trying to find Cream, and the robots, who didn't need to eat), grabbed their pizzas, and went over to the couch to read the review.

"Soooo….Silver, are you gonna read it?"

"Eh, sure, why not?" Silver strolled up to the computer, pizza in psychic grip, and sat down, beginning to read.

**Shadowy, gun-toting Hedgehogs, battle modes and so much more - all twists on the classic fast and furious gameplay mechanics that helped propel SEGA's franchise to its mega-popular status around the globe. The publisher's tried it all, usually with disappointing results. Yet, the blue blur's last romp on current-generation consoles, Sonic Unleashed, came close to recapturing the intensity of the mascot's 16-bit roots due wholly to the title's short, but sweet selection of super speedy daylight missions. And then, unfortunately, there were the Werehog levels - slow, weird and uncalled for. I frankly dreaded the coming of nightfall and Sonic's transformation in Unleashed, but compared to the clunky, misguided mess that is Sonic & the Black Knight, howling at the moon suddenly doesn't seem so bad anymore.**

"…I actually agree here, carry on" Sonic said, munching on pizza.

**Black Knight is the latest in Sonic Team's so-called storybook series, the first of which was Sonic and the Secret Rings. These are Hedgehog games based on popular bedtime tales like Arabian Nights and now, for Black Knight, King Arthur and the Knights of the Roundtable. In this latest project, Sonic finds himself sucked through a portal into the ancient era and thrust into a battle between a sorceress named Merlina and a black gas-filled suit of armor masquerading as King Arthur. As with just about every Sonic endeavor, the storyline is brought to life via ridiculously high production values, from the wide assortment of stunningly clean and stylized pre-rendered cinemas to mid-level sequences that look like storyboards. All of the characters feature high caliber voice acting, although most of the dialog is so badly written that you'll likely find yourself wincing at the terrible one-liners.**

"WITCHES!"

"I completely agree with this statement!" Vector announced, having his first line in the story that wasn't yelling at Charmy.

"SHUT UP VECTO-OW!" the hedgehog was treated with a fist to the face.

**The developer didn't stop with the story elements, though. The attention to detail is spread throughout the Wii-pointer-compatible interface, which is made to look like a medieval scroll of sorts. When you click over to the adventure mode, the guts of the game, you'll be treated to a realistic map with various points that you can select to trigger stages. It all looks great. Meanwhile,****Sonic Team****has also included a robust online leader board ranking system, accessed through Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection, in which players can compete against each other's times and scores. There's even a treasury mode that holds upward of 100 items that can be traded online with your favorite Sonic-loving pals - of course, you'll need to swap friend codes first. And there's also a full-blown gallery that features dozens of unlockable character bios, movies, and illustrations, both from development team members and franchise devotees. Black Knight is overrun with welcomed fan service that diehards will undoubtedly appreciate.**

"THE PART BEFORE THEY START BASHING IT YET AGAIN!" Sonic jumped into space again…then a Blue Wisp came and flew inside him, turning him into a cube and falling back to Mobius, crashing through the floor and into the planet's core.

"Get outta my house ugly!" Chip yelled, summoning a stone fist from the ground to punch Sonic out, and then repairing the roof with said stone **(1)** (a house in the world's core? Huh, you learn something new everyday)

"What just happened?" Dark Gaia asked, floating into the room somehow at the right size.

"Nothing much"

"Okay, I'm gonna go play some Jack & Daxter" he then floated away.

* * *

_Back on the surface_

"Hey mom"

Vanilla turned around to see Cream standing in the doorway, normal as ever.

"Cream, where were you? I've been looking all over for you!" Vanilla rushed up to her daughter and hugged her.

"In the Library"

"Why does Sonic have a library?"

"Beats me"

"Ah" Vanilla let go and asked "so, why are you here then?"

"Mr Shadow asked me to get him some snacks" Cream replied, leaning against the wall.

"Doesn't he allready have the pizza?" her mother raised an eyebrow.

"He finished it" the younger rabbit lied.

"Oh, okay, go ahead" Vanilla stepped out of the doorway and went over to the others, taking a plate of left over pizza. Cream proceeded to enter the kitchen, emerging with tonnes of sugary goods and fizzy drinks. She then went up the stairs, grumbling about black hedgehogs and embarrasing disguises, then walked into the game room.

* * *

**And at a glance - certainly in screenshots and even in some well-produced trailers - Black Knight appears a polished, beautiful platformer, but don't be fooled by this wicked trickery. The graphics engine is dazzling at points, easily outputting detailed, varied environments blanketed in effects. As Sonic blazes through mountainous terrain, you'll be able to see individual blades of grass swaying in the wind. As he runs across rocky, magma-filled caves, a heat distortion effect will warp the screen. When he clashes swords with King Arthur, the screen will ignite in an awesome explosion of particle sparks. It's a good looking game through and through, even if the framerate occasionally dips in high-action sequences. The biggest presentational (and mechanical, if you want to lump it into gameplay) flaw is the camera, which proves downright obtrusive at points, shooting Sonic's movements behind foreground barriers - a huge frustration.**

"Hmph! My camera is fine!"

"They're talking about the game camera Sonic" Tails muttered, about to take a bite out of his pizza…then a giant fist punched him in the face, and a cyan paratroopa flew in out of no where, stole the pizza, and faded out of the story.

SUCKER!

"WITCH!"

**But unfortunately for ****SEGA****there is the second, integral component to consider: gameplay. And it's here where Black Knight is defeated, slashed through its corrupted heart time and time again. Imagine the trademark intense speed, loop-de-loops, corkscrews, jumps and pinball mechanics that have helped define the Sonic name over the years. Good. Now throw all of that tried-and-true stuff out the window, slow down the action to a relative crawl, give the blue hedgehog a big sword, and throw enemy after enemy in his path. This is the backbone of the offensively awful design template that is a succubus, perpetually draining fun away from the experience. To make matters worse, Sonic himself is controlled clumsily with the nunchuk's analog stick - he moves like a tank, barely able to nudge to the left and right so that he might sidestep approaching obstacles - and he is constantly locked in stupid swordplay.**

"…you know, I actually agree here!"

Everyone stepped back in shock. Amy even fainted, good ridance if you ask me.

"…Sonic, are you okay?" Silver asked, almost choking on his pizza

"YES! I hated all this! I had to be slow, and that sword…GRRRR! Seriously, I had to ask Link for swordplay lessons! And do you know how many rings that cost me?!" Sonic ranted, and proceeded to go on and on about how much he hated going through Sonic & the Black Knight. Everyone in the room was shocked at how Sonic admitted one of his games sucked…except Sonic 06, but that was understandable.

* * *

"Allright Shadow, you better have a good reason for making me do this!" "Cream" said in a deeper, male voice.

Knuckles promptly burst into laughter, rolling on the floor "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Can't…stop…laughing" he said in between giggles, before being sent flying into the wall by the "rabbit"'s fist.

Shadow chuckle a little, before saying "First off, take off the disguise now, it makes you look ridiculous"

"Thank Dark Gaia!" "Cream" then melted into a grey puddle, before reforming as Neo Metal Sonic **(2)**.

"Anyways, that's phase one of the plan completed, now for phase two" Shadow pulled out a notebook and ticked something off it.

"What's that for?" Neo Metal asked, looking down at it.

"It's my master plan, why?" the Ultimate Lifeform asked, glancing at his robot companion.

"Just wondering" the doppleganger paused "can I read it?"

"Eh, sure, why not?" Shadow handed it to him, but you guys don't get to read it so it doesn't spoil the plot, so yeah. Let's just go back to Sonic now.

* * *

**His trusty sword is controlled with the WIi remote. There's an incredible amount of unresponsive waggle - not gestures - in the game. You simply shake, shake and shake some more to slice enemies down as they approach. The title does not consider vertical or horizontal motion, so you can just waggle the controller mindlessly and win. It's one of the worst control choices I've had to endure for any Wii game, not only because your movements actually have noticeable lag before they are translated on-screen, but because you battle so many enemies throughout any given level that you arm is sure to be sore by the time you're done. You encounter the occasional boss in fights that are supposed to be epic, but the ensuing battles are over in seconds - all you have to do is shake continuously and you'll lay waste to your enemies before they are done with their opening dialogs.**

"AND THAT TWO! SERIOUSLY, WHERE'ES THE FUN IN JUST FLICKING THE SWORD AND THE BOSS IS DEAD?! RANTRANTRANTRANTRANT!" Sonic….ranted.

**Black Knight also features a horrendous four-player battle mode that is so pitifully heinous - the hedgehog can fight at molasses speeds in waggle-fests with characters like Knuckles and Amy Rose to the backdrop of static arenas - that you should avoid at all costs.**

"SERIOUSLY! WHAT WAS WITH THAT BATTLE MODE?! ALL YOU DID WAS RUN, SLASH, KILL YOURSELF! BLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH !" Sonic was so loud and angry that Tails had to tranquilise him. Good, I thought he'd never shut up.

"SONIC! NUUUUUUUUUUU!" Amy yelled, then got hit by a Bat Bomb.

"SHADDUP!" Rouge yelled.

**THE VERDICT**

**Sonic & the Black Knight is a disappointing mess of presentational highs and design lows. The game will wow with its crisp cinemas, slick interface, online functionality and pretty in-game graphics, but when you sit down to play it, you will quickly discover a slow, clunky, boring affair ruined by stupid design choices. The intense speed, loop-de- loops, and pinball jumps that Sonic is known for have been altogether removed for insultingly bad swordplay tied to retarded Wii waggle that will leave your arm sore and your heart broken. There isn't a level in Black Knight that is even one tenth as compelling as a single daylight mission in Sonic Unleashed.**

"….." Sonic said nothing, as he was unconcious.

**This is a Sonic game that craps all over everything that has ever made the series interesting and then adds pointless waggle. More importantly, the end experience is altogether lackluster, not just for those who want a return to the form for the series, but for those who value fun, well-made games as a whole.**

**IGN RATINGS FOR SONIC & THE BLACK KNIGHT (WII)**

As usual, Silver skipped down to the final score

**3.9 Awful**

**Overall**

"Well, that's that done" Silver dusted off his hands and finished his pizza…then stole Sonic's and started to eat that two.

"So, what game shall we do next?" Blaze asked, Tails then went up to the computer and typed "Sonic" into the search bar, then took out a USB shaped device and plugged it into the moderm, using to speed up the internet.

"Well…." Tails' face turned to one of worry when he saw the results "a lot of these have good scores…Sonic Rivals has a 7.4, Sonic Colours has an 8.5, and Sonic Adventure 2 has a 9.4, just to name a few…we can't do Shadow the Hedgehog without Shadow or he'll blow us up…and the only one left is…" Tails paled, and proceeded to faint at the sight of the name.

"What is it?" Espio walked up to the computer and paled, but didn't faint since the author didn't hate him.

"Well?" Vector groaned "what is it?"

Espio turned around dramatically, and spoke 1 word and two numbers "Sonic 06" then he passed out.

* * *

**Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUH! Well, there you have it, the next chapter will be the apparently terrible game Sonic 06! I personally never plated it, so I wouldn't know, the reason why it's bashed all the time in my stories is just to make fun of how people bash it so much.**

**(1) Since Chip could manipulate the Temples of Gaia in the end of Sonic Unleashed, I figured he could just manipulate rocks in general. Plus, I wanted him to be the one to kick Sonic out so yeah.**

**(2) Since I wanted for Metal to have his shape shifting powers from Heroes here, I decided to let him turn into Neo Metal. I could have just added that to his list of normal abilities, but I just didn't like the idea of normal Metal Sonic randomly melting down into a grey puddle and turning into something else, so in here (and probably my other stories) he can switch between his normal and Neo forms at will.**

**Finally, just to let you guys know, I have a sequel planned to release once the contest is over (or at least, the current set date if KF decides to change it again). So, expect something new by the end of February.**

**Oh, and FFN still hasn't fixed the bug with the chapter displaying table, but it should be done soon! There is nothing under this authors note! Nope, nothing at all, other than this guy:**

**AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

**This is Plasmatroopa, logging out.**

* * *

Knuckles walked into a dark room, clutching his blue Chaos Emerald in fear. He had a sack tied to his arm for some reason and was shivering in fear…or maybe the cold, take your pick.

On the other side of the room was Charmy, unconcious with 20 tranquilisers in his back, the other five put in to insure he wouldn't wake up early. Knuckles approached him, and untied the sack, making sure to be quiet so the bee wouldn't wake up. If this went wrong…Knuckles didn't want to guess how much of his body would be left.

He quickly emptied the sack of it's contents, before taking out a pair of tweezers and pulling the tranquilisers out slowly, wincing as Charmy twitched.

Once he was done, he was about to use Chaos Control to escape, but he dropped his emerald. The bee's eyes snapped open. Knuckles was about to unload another 20 tranquilisers out of a gun he borrowed from Shadow, but Charmy had allready seen what he dropped from the sack: Sweets, cans of fizzy drinks, all concealed within a pile of sugar.

Charmy was on the pile faster than Sonic getting pwned. He practically inhaled all the sugar and sweets, before gulping down fizzy drink after fizzy drink. Knuckles stumbled for his emerald, but tripped on a tranquiliser and fell over.

Charmy finished the last drink, and his eyes turned red with energy. Other than that, he just glowed blue because I'm too lazy to come up with a better transformation.

Knuckles got to his feet, and held his fists in front his face, awaiting certain doom.

Charmy just burped, and Knuckles fainted out of shock.

"Called it" stated Metal Sonic, standing in front of a TV screen.

"Damn!" cursed Shadow.


End file.
